What part of yourself do you have invested in the online community? A good number of the posts and comments here at BlogRhet over the last few months have either addressed or resonated with this question. There have been posts and comments about race and culture and how the differences among us in this respect colour our perception of the blogging world. There have been comments about inclusion and exclusion, ranging from the sense of alienation many of us take away from high school, through the discussions of tagging and sub groups inside the mommy bloggers' orbit and often touching on commenting and response to blog posts. What all the discussion seems to have in common is good will, the determination to make the community work and the willingness to speak openly and expose deep emotions in the cause of making this happen.
'I was always on the outside in high school' is a very common comment. 'I wasn't one of the popular kids'. 'I felt alienated'. 'I'm shy and inhibited face to face'. 'I don't feel confident about meeting people' -- a statement a lot of us made, while discussing the BlogHer conference and at other times. A recurring theme among those of us who answered the BlogRhet meme was that the online contacts were somehow more engaging and fulfilling than 'IRL' day to day interactions. (I think IRL is short for In Real Life - one of the things I have had to learn fast is the acronyms, short forms and references that are in common use in this on line world. What's a 'MILF', anyone?) Those of us not part of the 'white' dominant culture express concern about feeling that an important part of ourselves is not valued or ignored.
There are two areas where my experience closely matches that of the comments and posts I've been citing. One is in feeling that the online lives I touch and the discussions I have here are more fulfilling than most of my daily contacts. The other is that I am a minority; because I'm a senior I'm sometimes treated differently or with indifference by people who deal with me face to face. While agism is not on the same page as racism, getting put down or ignored because of white hair and wrinkles sure gives me empathy.
What I have invested in my blog and here is my love of writing and a commitment to write, to stretch myself, to participate in as many of the threads and tags and challenges as I can. The bloggers that I feel the most kinship with are the others of you that are doing that. The quality of a lot of what I read, and the quality of the women and men who are writing is thrilling. The encouragement, the positive responses and the wonderful way in which ideas and techniques are shuttled from person to person through the mommyblogging community is enriching, I believe, to all of us.
Some of you have invested your hearts and souls, your most cherished ideas, your emotional responses, your deepest selves in your blogs, reaching out to others in so many ways. You discuss race, religion, your personal fears and triumphs, your intimate lives. You not only write, you read, and the comments you leave when someone needs a response or comfort or advice are generous, perceptive and often hilarious. The courage of some of you, who meet very difficult days with laughter and share the experience, is immense.
When we write with this intensity, however, it is not hard to be nervous, even fearful, about the response we will get. I know that I sometimes have an inner insecure self who worries about how what I write will be received, who is disappointed when there are no comments, who feels down if something doesn't get noticed. I find it necessary to stomp on this tendency as soon and as often as possible. Because the mommy blogosphere is full of generous people who read, comment and respond and who feel guilty when they can't do so. I can't get to all the posts I want to read as soon as I would like and most of the people I know about are much busier than I am. It continues to amaze me that there is so much comment and exchange when I know how short of time and energy many people are.
Getting comments fosters a sense of belonging. So does the receipt of one of the various awards that bounce through the blogs -- things like the Just Post, the Perfect Post, The Thinking Blogger, the ROFL. Getting 'tagged' to do a meme is also a boost to the camaraderie quotient. I think these are all good things. But they come with a price. To get one of the post awards, it is necessary to write that kind of post. It is also gracious to look for posts that fit the criteria and nominate them. Established bloggers go out of their way to select newbies for awards and tags, which is one of the things I like a lot about them, but they can't include everybody. It is not productive to be hurt if you aren't selected for something: tags, for instance, only work if they are consistently spread. We should participate as much as we can and understand that others are doing the same, without being too dependent on this kind of recognition.
The forum here at BlogRhet has one of the best formats I have found. I stuck my neck out and volunteered to be part of it, as a real newbie, was welcomed in and am really glad I joined. It's inclusive, stimulating and fun. It's managed by a bunch of horrifically busy women and so the bus wheels may occasionally wobble but, by and large, it's amazingly smooth. And really worthwhile. If you're reading this at my own site, please pop over and scroll through it. You'll be glad you did.
But in the final analysis, the feeling of belonging is something each of us has to create for herself. It comes from confidence that what we write will resonate with others and that other writers will appreciate our comments. Most of all, it comes from the satisfaction of having done well in what we set out to do.
Posted By Mary G -- Them's My Sentiments
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14 comments:
Well put indeed. It's easy to feel left out sometimes when you belong to any community, but there's a reason the community was attractive in the first place.
Wonderful post, Mary. And very true to my own experiences.
I've been struggling to figure out why it is that my online contacts and discussion can be so much more stimulating than those IRL & I've actually started to write a post for BlogRhet about that too. But what you (and Amie just pointed out as well) is very true.
It is easy to feel excluded from any community, on the internet or IRL. How you feel when slighted (whether it's real or imagined) has a lot to do with what you have invested in the community and your sense of personal identity outside of the blogosphere.
For me, it has created a sense of belonging and community that I don't have in my daily routine. I'm happy to say that, after reading and then meeting the first two commenters at BlogHer -- MammaLoves and Lawyer Mama -- I now have two more friends, along with the many others I met. But, as MammaLoves says, it's hard not to feel left out in any sort of community. And I have fought those demons since the days when, yes, I too felt left out and unpopular in high school.
This is exactly what it is like, the inner experience of blogging. I like your phrase about stomping on those feelings of exclusion because that's exactly what we all have to do, I think, from time to time.
You are all stressing something that I should have said more explicitly -- that feeling 'left out', sometimes, is something you just have to get over.
Thanks, guys!
I found so much of this true to my own experiences as a blogger. Thank you.
You're right that feeling excluded is something we shouldn't spend too much of our time doing -- especially, as you pointed out, because time is so precious to so many of us.
As one who struggled with that quite a bit in the beginning, I've now come to a place of peace about it. I'm not in competition with anyone.. and those who accept me, do... those who do not.. well... do not. :)
Maybe this is fairly typical for any new community, particularly one with very few established rules. This whole on-line thing is somewhat of a social experiment.
Peace,
~Chani
http://thailandgal.blogspot.com
I have a few regular commentors that I can count on almost every time I post. I have come to view these women as my friends, even if it is only online and I always to to reciprocate. I try really hard to not see blogging as a popularity thing. It should and is a place to express myself and meet some neat people at the same time. When finding other bloggers to add to my reader, though, I find myself mostly picking blogs that have relatively few commentors. I guess, I just figure that these bloggers would be more likely to appreciate a new regular reader, than a blogger that is getting 30 comments per post already. Although a few of my blog friends have suddenly become really popular (slouching :)).
Mary,
Welcome and so well=put... if my real life friendships were half as lovely as my on-line, I'd be happy indeed.
And yes, ageism is alive and well..
SO get this piece, Mary. In fact, am living it right now. I always post funny, biting pieces but yesterday posted a serious piece and the silence is deafening. My audience knows me as funny, not somber. Oh, well, there is more of me!
Thanks for bringing this up. Also, a nod to Lawyer Mama who talks about real or imagined slights. The blog world hosts a variety of people with different emotional/social maturity levels and what's funny to one person might be offensive to another.
really lovely, and a spot on examination of inclusion vs. feelings of exclusion. I think we need to own up to some of those feelings and insecurities, and then, stomp them out! (i'm workingon stomping out my own disappointment over the lost of a formerly regular reader - I don't know what happened there, I still read and comment on her site, but I just have to let it go. she has every right to decide not to read me for whatever reason. it's not like she was mean about! stomp, stomp, stomp! Bitterness, be gone!)
Mary, i've been thinking about this all day. i lay a lot out on my blog and have found that, for me, it's a healing forum, and a supportive one, but every time i take that step i feel both catharsis and a terrible exposure.
and sometimes i go off half-cocked on other topics and then just feel the exposure without the catharsis, even. and when people don't respond? i think, omg, i've offended them. or they hate me. or i'm a bad person.
and sometimes, a blog crush appears to tire of me, and i hurt a little. but in the long run - you're right, it's best just to stomp on those little seedlings before they sprout. because the community that comes with this blogging gig? what a gift. it's not like RL, where if i decide to disappear from a circle i'll inevitably have awkward run-ins at the grocery store. i am not obliged to any of you, except by common decency. and for all the little flutters of insecurity and exposure, really....what payoff, most of the time.
But in the final analysis, the feeling of belonging is something each of us has to create for herself."
Bingo!
I started my first blog because I wanted a way to chronicle the lives of my children. It was also an easy way to keep in touch with my many out of town relatives. It sort of snowballed from there, because I also blog about cooking, current events and politics, nutrition/fitness, and ways for families to save money.
I would love to freelance, because I feel I write well, but I don't have access (or know where to find it) to people who can give me good, honest critiques. My mom doesn't count.
This week, a columnist in my city wrote a piece that I absolutely disagreed with, but when I went to see the piece online, I was floored by some of the hateful comments people had left for him. I learned that if I want to write professionally, I need to grow a thicker skin.
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